Shopping At The Rift
by auburn-haired-sadist-XD
Summary: Stopping to look at clothes in the middle of a mission probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. But Deimos had insisted... Madness Combat fic.


**A/N**: Oh, come on people. Anyone who saw MC 6.5 knew that this was coming. That whole scene with Sanford and Deimos trying on clothes in 'The Rift' was hilarious. And so I just had to write something. I hope that at least someone likes it! XD

Also, one more thing; 'looksie' is pronounced 'look-see.'

...XD

* * *

"No," Sanford said, glaring at Deimos and showing his obvious disapproval for the idea.

"Why not?" Deimos whined in annoyance. "I mean, you got a new belt! Why can't _I _have something new to wear?!"

"Yes, I have a belt because I _found it _laying on the _ground_," Sanford bit out. "Jebus Christ, Deimos, is now _really _the time for this? I mean seriously; fuckin' _clothes_?"

"There is nothing wrong with at least stopping in to look!" Deimos huffed angrily. "Besides, the clothes we're wearing are all bloody anyways, so why not put on some new ones?"

"Oh, I dunno, maybe because we're on a _mission_, and more L337s could show up _any second_? Is that good enough for you?" Sanford replied with a slight eye twitch. Sometimes, Deimos could just be so _stupid_-

Deimos rolled his eyes. "You're being overly cautious. It'll be fine; I just wanna stop in and take a quick looksie. I-

"Wait wait wait. Did you seriously just say 'looksie?' Could you be _anymore _flamboyantly gay?"

"Aww, fuck you, Sanford! I'm not the one who gets a hard on whenever _you're _eating bananas!"

Sanford's face turned red. ""Th-th-that was only that one time!" Sanford yelled, trying to contain both his glare, his composure, and his dignity all at once.

"Psh, right, and every time since," Deimos drawled, pleased to see the reaction he had caused in the other man. "But seriously, San; just a quick peek?"

Sanford threw his hands up into the air. "Fine! Go ahead! But if we get ambushed when we leave the store and die, it's all on you!"

"Alright! I can live with that!"

"No........technically you can't."

"...Just shut up."

* * *

The duo entered the store hesitantly, their guns raised in case any other L337s happened to be hiding inside. The store was plain, even a tad bit boring; multiple rows of hangers held suits, the standard L337 apparel. Next to this, near the door where the two had just entered, was a counter, with a man dressed in civilian clothing sitting behind it.

The man was reading a book, and glanced up when he heard them enter. He rose his hands into the air in the same motion that Sanford rose his gun.

"Holy fuck, please don't shoot me! I have a wife and kids! I'm just here for the cash! I don't even like these damn L337s! I think they're stupid and arrogant and-"

"We get it," Sanford interrupted, rolling his eyes while Deimos practically skipped over to the hanging suits. _And he calls me a queer_, he thought. "We don't want any trouble, we're just looking at the clothes. As long as you don't try anything, we're good. But listen to me; in the time it'd take you to fire off one shot, whoever you _didn't _shoot- assuming that you even hit one of us- would have more than enough time to turn around and blast your brains out. We clear?"

The man nodded shakily. "Crystal clear," he said.

"Alright," Sanford said. "You just...go back to reading your book or something, I guess."

The man snapped his attention back to his book and began reading like there was no tomorrow. Which, if he didn't cooperate, there wouldn't be.

Sanford rolled his eyes and turned to his partner, who had pulled a suit off of the many racks and was looking at it curiously. His eyes suddenly alight with humor, he held the suit in front of him and turned back to Sanford.

"However does this suit _suit _me, gov'ner?" Deimos asked in a very fake, posh British accent.

_Aww what the hell_, Sanford thought with a grin. _Nothin' wrong with screwin' around every once in a while_.

"It looks quite dashing on you, good chap. But I'm afraid that it simply isn't to my taste; or yours, for that matter."

"Eh, true dat," Deimos said, speaking normally as he disregardedly tossed the suit over his shoulder. "All they have here are suits, though. It's boring."

"Er, actually," the cashier said tentatively from behind the counter. Both gazes snapped over to him, not intimidating him in the least. "I-if you look in that box there, there's some reject clothes that the L337s didn't like. Basically just stuff that they didn't find stylish."

Deimos raised an eyebrow and walked over to aforementioned box while Sanford nodded to the cashier in thanks. He walked over to the box as well to see that Deimos had pulled something out.

"Look at these wicked lenses!" Deimos cried, holding up a pair of perfectly round sunglasses.

"They're round," Sanford stated blankly. "What is this, the 60s?"

"Hank wears round glasses!" Deimos argued, but Sanford just rolled his eyes (again).

"Yeah, but that's Hank. And he's, well...." he trailed off.

"Point taken. But still, they're pretty cool, don't you think?" Deimos put on the pair of glasses and grinned. "How do I look?" he asked, lounging back in a "cool guy" pose.

Sanford snickered. "Ridiculous, to be honest. Take those stupid things off and find something else."

Deimos pouted for a moment, but then suddenly smiled. "You should try them on!" he cheered, shaking them in front of Sanford's face.

"Excuse me?" Sanford asked, batting away his partner's hand. "I thought that I didn't need any new clothes, because I already had this belt?"

Deimos rolled his eyes "Just try 'em on, okay?" he asked, shoving the glasses into Sanford's hands.

After an annoyed sigh, the man complied, putting on the glasses and standing with a rather peeved expression on his face.

Deimos blinked in surprise, then grinned. "They actually don't look that bad on you," he said slyly.

Sanford rolled his eyes (_again_), but smiled. "But of course. I look good in anything, don't you know?"

Deimos laughed while rummaging around in the box. "Here!" he suddenly cried, pulling something out. He skipped back over to Sanford and help up a rectangular mirror. "See for yourself!"

Sanford raised an eyebrow as he observed his reflection. Deimos hadn't been lying; he actually did look sort of cool with them on. His face changed expressions to the bored scowl that he usually wore, and he noted curiously the way the glasses made his pouted lip seem almost more pronounced. It was kind of..._badass_.

"Dibs," Sanford said, slipping out of Deimos's reach as the latter tried to take back the glasses. "You find something else, but these are mine."

"But they're _round_," Deimos mocked. "What is this, the 60s? Nice to meet ya, John Lennon."

Sanford growled and promptly flipped his partner the bird, but Deimos just laughed as he started searching for more clothing.

"Oh geez," he said after a moment, grinning like an idiot. "Hey San, try this one on!"

"I thought that it was your turn-" Sanford began, but the rest of his words were cut off as the shirt hit him in the face.

"Nice catch," Deimos snickered as Sanford removed the shirt from his face.

He scowled, but still looked down and began to read the words on the t-shirt. His annoyed look slowly changed to that of a grin. Holding it in front of him like Deimos had done with the suit, he dramatically quoted: "I've covered wars, you know."

Deimos almost fell over from laughing. "Oh God! I can't believe they even have that in here! I mean, _really_?"

Sanford, too, was dieing of laughter. "God, we freakin' loved that game when it came out! You remember?"

"Hell yeah I do! How could I forget?" Deimos asked as he wiped away a laughter-induced tear.

Still grinning, Sanford threw the shirt over his head and pulled it down. This, however, only caused more laughter from the two.

"You look ridiculous!"

"I know, I know!"

"It's so big on you!"

"Talk about XXXX Large!"

"And you look so lumpy in it!"

"Heh heh...yeah..."

"And-"

"Deimos; that's enough."

* * *

Outside of The Rift, a small group of L337 and ATP agents were starting to gather.

"Seriously, guys," one said. "I don't think that they're in there. Why would they be shopping for clothes...?"

Another agent grunted at this statement. "How about you go in and take a looksie?"

"Er, I don't really want to-"

"Wait a minute," a third agent said. "Did you just say 'looksie?'"

* * *

"How's this?" Deimos asked, spinning in a circle so that his partner could see every angle.

"Not too shabby. It's a nice jacket; what was the price?" Sanford asked with a smirk. Yeah, what _was _the price. They sure as hell weren't paying. They had freakin' guns, after all.

Deimos peeked at the tag and smirked as well. "$85 bucks; not too shabby indeed. But, there's uh, one thing..." he added, suddenly seeming quite embarrassed.

Sanford frowned. "What is it?" he asked, worry (thought he'd never admit it) evident in his voice.

"Uh, well..." Deimos fidgeted. Leaning close to Sanford, he whispered in the other man's ear: "Does this make me look _**fat**_?"

Sanford stared blankly, taking a moment to comprehend what had just been said. He could feel one of his eyes twitching, though he wasn't sure which it was. When he did, his blank face quickly turned to one of confusion, then to annoyance, and then simply anger.

Deimos was laughing insanely, barely managing to stay standing. "Oh- OH MY GOD! THE LOOK ON YOUR FACE! SO FUCKIN' PRICELESS, MAN! SO FUCKIN' PRICELESS!"

He was promptly punched in the face. Not hard enough to make him bruise, but enough to make him fall over.

* * *

By now, more agents had gathered outside the door.

"Why would they even want to shop there anyway? This store sucks."

"Yeah, and the cashier's a little bitch. Always talkin' about his family and shit; tch, that dude probably hasn't been laid since highschool."

"Amen to that."

* * *

Deimos put on a pair of red-tinted sunglasses. "Yes, no?" he asked.

Sanford shook his head. "Definite no. You look too much like an L337 with those things on."

Deimos shrugged and tossed them aside. Reaching back into the box, he pulled out a sun cap and plopped it on his head.

Sanford grinned and was about to comment, when suddenly the door was blown open and a huge group of l337 and ATP agents entered the store; they'd been ambushed, just as he'd predicted.

Both men quickly pulled their guns out and exchanged fire with the group, narrowly dodging bullets in the cramped store.

"That's it!" Deimos yelled, fed up with the entire gunfight. Pulling out his newly acquired grenade launcher, he fired into the crowd of agents, killing all who remained.

Things remained quiet for a moment.

"Well Deimos-"

"I know, I know!" he yelled, throwing up his hands. "Let's just get out of here!"

Sanford grinned, but didn't say anything for his partners sake. He simply removed the t-shirt, reloaded his guns and with that, the two were off.


End file.
